I have had a severe writers block, but I got into an argument with my sister in law after I said something hurtful. I didn’t really mean it, but maybe I did I’m not sure, however I know that I had no intention of hurting her.

 

Overreactment of the century,

No intent of injury,

Instead feelings of treachery,

Get your weaponry,

Get prepared for the severity,

It’ll stay in you memory,

The obscenity,

I’m worthy of a penalty,

Because I am the enemy.

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I feel like I might die

Shit I still have his shirt.

My b- still not used to saying my ex, anyway he broke up with me

SO HIT ME UP GUYS

Nah, I really don’t want to date for a while. I still like him and I hate that, he left yesterday seeming absolutely fine and then an hour later he texted me saying that he was sorry but he couldn’t see a future together.

I cried, burned some shit, cried more and then I slept.

So now I’m obviously completely over it.

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I just miss him, his good morning texts, his family, his dogs, his hugs, his kisses, just talking to him, oh my gosh I just miss him.

I had 2 friends, him and sarah. Now I just have sarah, don’t get me wrong Sarah is great, but we don’t talk often (maybe once a week) and so now I have pretty much no one to talk to.

He was my safety blanket, someone who I could rely on and someone who would actually care about me (besides from my family).

I just feel so lonely and I don’t know how to cope. Plus I keep imagining him with another girl which I know will inevitably happen, but it just hurts so much.

But I have to move on, I have to. It feels like a part of me is gone and I’m constantly reminded of it. When I hear a loud car, seeing a dog, seeing anything in my house that he has touched, seeing loved up couples.

I need to remember that I am my own person, I don’t need him and one day I won’t miss him at all. I will have moved on.

So I have decided to focus on myself and to appreciate myself. Make friends and be happy.

This is me, Emily Nightingale (good and bad):

  • I like painting even though I’m quite insecure about it
  • I have a lot of insecurities (working on it)
  • I like watching documentaries – especially about serial killers
  • I have depression and anxiety
  • I like having philosophical discussions
  • I like watching controversial videos
  • I want to travel
  • I like watching lots of films
  • I want to be an artist
  • I worry about everything – life, death, relationships, my career, happiness
  • My favourite kind of music is the type that I can connect with and the lyrics are like poetry

I cant think of anything else and tbh I’m really not in the mood to, but I will be fine soon

 

Not a downer at all

Sorry, recently I have been really stressed. Typical excuse I know, but I guess the reason why it’s known as a typical excuse is because as humans our mood naturally fluctuates.

I try to completely honest and to be particularly honest on my blog, it’s like a second diary to me. I’m not going to stop that now or ever.

One of my stress related problems:

I’ve ‘broken up’ with another best friend. Breaking up with friends is hard because it’s different than a romantic relationship and to be honest I don’t know why. I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this friend until now, we have been talking pretty much every day for 2 years and finally I got to meet him face to face for the first time in mid July. I was so excited, like the most excited I have been for ages. It was a 7 hour flight, but I didn’t care because I knew it was just bringing me closer to him. I saw lots of videos online of internet friends meeting in real life and often there would be running and hugging involved.

In reality for me it involved an awkward dinner where we didn’t even talk to each other.

But I accepted it because I knew we were both insanely awkward people.

I slept round his house the next day, I tried to talk to him, but in the end we still didn’t talk much. His friends were there too and I ended up having to go to the bathroom multiple times to cry and then sleeping in a corner early so that I could get away from it all (also because of jet lag).

After that I got silence from him, we tried to call him, but all we got was “he’s busy”. He only talked to me after we left his state. He had the audacity to blame the shittyness of the trip on me.

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I tried to make it work after I got back home, but in the end I was just like

 Unfriended and unfollowed.

Yeah I do still think about him pretty much every day but I know that I’m much better without him and his toxicity. This is only one of the shitty things he has done to me and I’ve had enough

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

impending doom

I’m scared of the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen and that scares me.

People say that the unknown makes life more interesting, I say give me a detailed list on everything that’ll happen.

I have a boyfriend, shocker, I know.

He’s been taking up all my time lately, but I don’t mind. When I’m with him my worries fade away and nothing else matters. I just wish I could spend my entire life curled up in bed with him watching trashy tv, making out and just looking up at him. Depending on the type of person you are, you either just gagged or cooed at the ‘cuteness’. Both are reasonable responses.

I admit, it took me a while to commit properly to him because I was scared it would quickly end in heartbreak or that I wouldn’t actually be ready.

But now it scares me to think of my life without him, young love I guess, I’m hoping it’ll last forever. My mum met my dad when she was 17, the same age as me.

I wrote two short poems to document the two stages:

I’m so confused,

I don’t want to be accused,

Of causing someone to be misused,

But I don’t want myself to be unused,

Or left bruised.

 

Love scares me,

I wouldn’t change it for the world,

I want to stay in a permanent haze of beauty,

Holding him close with intense emotion.

 

Maybe we wont be together forever, but I am determined to stay optimistic because I haven’t been so happy in a long time. Finally I’m looking forward to my future because I’m imagining him in it. So I’m going to listen to blue Sunday on repeat by the doors and feel at peace.

“I found my own true love was on a blue Sunday
She looked at me and told me
I was the only one in the world
Now I have found my girl
My girl awaits for me in tender time
My girl is mine, she is the world
She is my girl”

 

Loneliness

I have never had a boyfriend, unless you count the boy who I dated for 2 days when I was 11. Personally I don’t count it.

I know everyone says to just let love happen but there’s no sign of it even being nearby, so what am I supposed to do? Just wait around feeling lonely, hoping one day love will smack me in the face? Plus the people who say ‘just let love happen’ obviously don’t know the real world, they’ve never seen anyone who’s old and single or they just choose to ignore them. I have though, I’ve seen the old lady lurking around the shops with a moustache and greasy hair – without a ring on her left hand.

So of course I have tried to find it myself and not rely on fate. Unfortunately, me trying is me going on online dating sites and maybe if I’m feeling lucky, smiling at a guy that I walk past.

I’ve even met up with people from dating sites, it never ends well. They end up being a sweet talker online and once you get to know them more they’re just a plain ole asshole. I’m talking to a guy now though and he seems genuinely nice, like one of the nicest people I’ve ever met before, but I’m somehow put off by that? Its just he seems too normal, or maybe I’m just sabotaging myself.

I know you’re thinking, ‘meet someone in real life!’ But how? My school is so big, even after a year I continually see new faces every day and I don’t have any proper friends that could introduce me to their guy friends.

Am I supposed to walk up to strangers on the street then?

I’m not looking for a boyfriend because I feel under pressure by society to get some arm candy or to become more popular, I just want some companionship. Someone that’ll be there for me, someone who can always cheer me up when I feel down, someone to cuddle and someone to love me.

And I haven’t even started talking about my need for friends.

 

Its hard to be positive but you just have to try

So something happened today and I really don’t feel like explaining it,  just know that I was very tempted to delete my recent posts about boys. I wont though because even though they remind me of unpleasant memories; they’re somewhat part of me now.

A poem I wrote explains my emotions:

Feeling blue,

isn’t new,

just cant believe its now because of you,

I don’t think I can continue,

since you darkened the hue,

of my once bright view,

all I wanted was to smell the sweet sweet honeydew,

with you,

but now I have flew,

I think I can make it through,

even though I cant undo,

I can exclude you from my big debut,

so screw you

 

A while ago I wrote a post about 11 things I dislike about myself and I think a post about what I like about myself is due. For this though I decided to write 12 points instead of 11 because I guess that’s a positive thing to do.

 

I don’t judge people (or at least not a lot)

I’m quite pretty, although I only view myself as a 6.5/10 I feel prettier than I ever have within my entire life. I’m not Cara Delevingne pretty, but I’m definitely less insecure about my appearance.

I’m soft and squishy, again I have become more confident about my appearance; I like my curves.

I’m proud of my music taste. Its shameful, but I think I cant help but be pretentious about music and my favourites are: nirvana, the doors, lana del rey, cage the elephant, david bowie, wolf alice, sonic youth. But if you listen to Justin Bieber or 5sos we can still be friends, I just might say ew if you ever play them in front of me.

I’m not a basic bitch, theres nothing wrong with being a basic bitch but personally if I was one it would make me brain dead.

I’m good at giving compliments or at least I will try because I like making people feel happier

I’m kind, we all have our moments where we are not the greatest (me included) but I would say overall I’m a pretty good person.

I can be quite funny, often when I meet someone I am really awkward, but once I get to know you I will be cracking jokes left, right and centre (whether they’re good or not)

I’m a devoted friend/lover, this has its disadvantages, as explained in my last post. However, I think it makes me a better person, even if it can hurt me.

I have a cool fashion sense, yes I just said that I’m cool. It took me ages to find my style, I used to just wear hoodies and jeans. I think I found my style after going to a charity shop, I found out that I love vintage clothes, especially from the 90s.

I’m creative, I want to be an artist in the future and I’m glad that I can express my feelings through art (whether it turns out good or not is subjective).

I’m a deep thinker, again this can be a disadvantage because its as though I’m having a mid life crisis at 16 which is just pathetic. However I think it also means I’m generally curious about most things and I think that’s a good trait

 

 

 

 

I have issues

Consequential to my attachment issues, I become strongly atttached with people; it can be in a platonic or romantic way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a like I get some sort of stalkerish type obsession, more like in the way that I would do anything for them amd not only so that they will stay my friend; more so that I can make them happy.

My parents tell me that they’re worried about me because of this personality trait of mine, they say it means people will easily take advantage of me and they are right; people have taken advantage of me in the past.

I fall in love fast

Here is a poem I wrote (inspired my Lana del Rey’s recent album .. and a guy):

Shivers up and down,

Looking back at the moment I had perfectly captured in  my mind,

waves ceased to crash,

I had no worries,

no fears; just tranquillity,

and all I had to do was gaze up at my God,

All his faults built up t0 make an all powerful being,

even the stray facial hair seemed perfect,

Unlike other Gods  I had him at my grasp,

holding him close,

no one could ever take him away

 

 

 

From a little fish in the sea

This is an open letter to anyone struggling with a relationship/s and to be honest, it’s directed at myself too.

Hello I’m Emily, another person who’s a single pringle.

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I just want to tell you that you shouldn’t settle.

For me it’s one of the hardest things not to do because I always think that there will be no way for any other guy to like me and so it seems like a miracle that the first guy likes me. I’m sure it’s the same for lots of other people too, but honestly, you deserve better. You deserve someone who won’t snap at you, who isn’t still weirdly attached to their ex, someone who believes in commitment, someone who’s willing to go the distance, someone who is perfectly fine with not caring what anyone else says about your relationship.

You deserve more.

This is an overused statement but it is so true, there’s plenty more fish in the sea. Nicer fish; a fish that will treat you right. You can look for that fish, but maybe it’ll find you. My advice is just to focus on yourself and try to be as happy, confident and open as you can be.

If you never find yourself your own little fish, as long as you are happy within yourself and surrounded by love from your friends and family I can guarantee that you will be ok.

Boy cooties

Recently I have been plagued by boys, I would usually not mind that but I have learnt that talking to guys causes problems with my health. This isn’t me attacking the entire male species, just the ones that happen to talk to me and from what i have experienced, any male in the dating pool.

In some ways i appreciate the stress males give me because it distracts me from my other problems, but i admit i have been crying out of frustration a lot recently. Maybe it will be worth it though.

I never thought I would say this but I think I relate to Gigi Phillips in he just isn’t that into you

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and also this woman

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Maybe its just me though, maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t understand guys or maybe the male specimen doesn’t understand me as much as i don’t understand them.

Why can’t I bluntly ask a guy what kind of relationship we are in? Why is it that if I don’t ask, I automatically give him complete control and if I actually do ask them Im classed as too clingy.

Why cant i be truthful about my feelings? It feels as though I have to keep what I actually feel locked away until we get into a official relationship; otherwise it becomes too overwhelming for them

However, it could be society that is telling me all these ‘myths’ and honestly that could be the case, but then why do i get this crippling fear buried right in the pitt of my stomach when i do decide to tell him the truth? Is that just common nerves or is it a natural instinct telling me to be quiet?

Once i was honest to a guy about how i felt and i told him that i didn’t feel as though i was comfortable with being friends with benefits and that I would want more, I told him we might as well not talk because we wanted two separate things. He then replied about he may want an actual relationship too and he intended on ‘seeing how things continued’ (hint for my ladies out there, often if a guy ever says that, you should run for the hills). After that conversation I felt completely satisfied about the situation, but as i thought about it more the next day i realised that nothing really got resolved.

Yesterday i met up with a guy i met off the internet (a different guy) and although it worked out for me despite the fact that i didn’t have any safety measures, you should all be careful with meeting people from the internet. The whole day was a lot of fun, despite my nerves and severe awkwardness. Whether he enjoyed the day, Im not sure. He said the day was fun multiple times, but later he then talked about how he only smokes when he is bored and I recalled how he was smoking practically the whole time. I actually jokingly brought it up and he completely ignored the statement i made regarding it, which to me .. is fishy .. When i brought up not being able to meet up again until next month he was fine with it and sweetly said ‘its worth the wait’, but when i said i might be able to meet up next week he ignored that too.

If you’re reading this, please help me understand him. Im not even sure if it was a date or not.

I know that I’m a woman myself so this may be a biased opinion, but i find it so irritating that most women seem to be an open book (me included) and sometimes I get the sense that men take advantage of that.

Just to clarify again, this isn’t me bashing men; this is me bashing the jerks out there of whom i seem to attract. ‘Nice guys finish last’, maybe the nice guys are going after the wrong girls or maybe the nice guy wasn’t ever truly a nice guy or maybe if the nice guys made a move they would finish first.

Nice guys, come at me bro. Just beware of my anxiety creating difficult situations and me frequently asking you if you secretly hate me. Wow, maybe I am the problem..

life

I’m always amazed by the amount of people in this world, 7.125 billion and yet somehow it does not seem so much. It shocks me more when I’m in a car and I think about each individual, in each car and the separate life they possess. With their own problems and the complete irrelevance to my life because I will never meet.

So just think about the amount of people in each house, each city, each country.

How many people e do we meet in our lifetime? Lets say around 80,000, so subtracting that number from 7.125 billion – we will likely never meet 712420000 people from our planet.  And whenever I think about that in particular I get really sad, but then it also reminds me that I am nothing. Which I find oddly comforting, whenever I’m stressed about something I just think about how pointless it is and it eases my stress. If I feel self-conscious I just have to think about how irrelevant I am. You have to live in the moment and although I have the same emotions for the word yolo as I do for the word swag, it is kinda a valid statement.

I feel as though the film fight club has some good quotes regarding this subject, but I think its important not to take them too seriously – otherwise it will just make you depressed:

  • Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
  • It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything
  • The things you own end up owning you.
  • This is your life, and its ending one minute at a time
  • You have to know, not fear, but know that someday you’re going to die

To be honest there is so many quotes, so

fight club

 

just watch the film